you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
