You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
