dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
