so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
