How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
