I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
