Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
