Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
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