Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
