Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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