oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
