She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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