my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
