Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
