gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
