sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
