I think i peed on brittanys purse
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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