My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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