I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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