well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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