i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize