He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
