this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
