Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize