she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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