Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
