I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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