There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
