I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
