Your face is a jimmy john
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
