last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
