it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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