I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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