I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize