I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
