I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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