He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't turn off my feet"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
