mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
