What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
