my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
