dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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