I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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