now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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