On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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