This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
