Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize