Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
