if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
