I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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