My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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