im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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