Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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