Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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