Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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