Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
