dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can Purell be used as lube?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
