Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize