it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
