u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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