is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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