Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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