As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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