Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
