I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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