I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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