I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I can't put those talents on a resume
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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