my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
