My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
