I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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