i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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