Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Hippo gnu deer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
