tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
